“Pfft! What-ever. I am so over it. No, really, I am. I don’t want to talk about it – No! – I really don’t want to talk about it.
“Do you think it’s my fault? No really, be honest with me, seriously, just for a second. I need an honest answer, right now because you know, I can tell I’m really gonna need your help with this. Will you help me? Yeah? Great!
“It wasn’t my fault, was it? Good, I’m glad to hear you say it, ‘cause I’ve been beating myself up over it, even though I really don’t think it was my fault. I just have standards, you know? I mean, if it was just me, it’d be different – way different, and you know what I mean. Right! See, you’re so good at this, you understand me, you understand how hard it is for me to find the right man for me and my son. Ugh – so many losers out there.
“Really, are you sure, you’re not just saying that ‘cause we’re such good friends? Really? ‘cause I’d totally understand if you did think it was my fault. Like, I’m sure a total stranger might think it was my fault, especially because of the way it started, how I’m sure it looked, even though it was totally innocent.
“Shut UP! Just kidding! But really, that’s not funny, ‘cause it was totally innocent, and I was not looking for anything. I mean really, why would I? I had Joe, and Joe was awesome: handsome, smart, sensitive. I could go on, but you get the picture. Oh! Not that way, in a manly way, so good for my son.
“Did I mention handsome? I did? Great! Not that it’s important to me, or at least not as important to me as the fact that he had a job, a real job, and he didn’t have to wear a stupid costume for it. Do you know how hard that is to find? I know, of course you do.
“I am not shallow. And if I was, how do you explain Steve? Okay, sure, let’s talk about that then. Steve. How did I meet him? Total accident – total accident, I swear. In fact, I was expecting Joe to show up, but he didn’t.
“Hm. I’ve never asked him about that.
“But anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah. So Joe’s not there, instead I see Steve, and at first I’m thinking, ‘Man, you’re pretty subdued, I mean, relative to Joe, you’re really putting me to sleep here,’ and then as he’s talking I’m thinking, ‘Like hell,’ you know, like, ‘You wish.’ But he just kept talking, like he was trying real hard, and I was just looking at him like, ‘What’s with your nose?’ and, ‘What’s with your hair?’ and, ‘Oh my god, you’re so short!’ No, of course I didn’t actually say anything like that, oh my god! Really? You think I would say things like that, out loud, right to somebody’s face, in front of my son? Well, okay, maybe if he was pissing me off or something, but he wasn’t, and like I said, he was short and he had dimples and he was trying so hard.
“So I listened to him, he’s going, ‘blah blah blah’ but I’m not saying anything but I’m thinking, ‘I wish Joe was here so this Steve could see what he’s up against, put his tail between his legs and just go away.’
“But Joe wasn’t there, and this guy just kept talking and I’m like, ‘Whatever – just don’t hump my leg, dude.’ Then – and then – something weird happened. I don’t remember why, but for some reason he was counting, and he got to three, and he held up three fingers. I know! It’s like I’ve gotten so used to Joe showing ‘three’ with two fingers and a thumb, now if somebody holds up three fingers, like a normal person, it’s a total shock. It’s really new.
“Yes! Fresh! That’s right!
“Hm. Exciting? Hm. Maybe, I hadn’t thought of it that way, but you could be right. But so now before you know I was like, ‘Whatever,’ but now, ever since he did that, I’m like, ‘Go on …’
“Huh? Oh – maybe. Wow, you’re good at this. So deep. So insightful.
“So okay, he does that, and I’m thinking, okay, you’re short, you have a big nose, and you’re losing your hair. Oh my god! You know what? Maybe you’re right! I mean, think about it: short, big nose, balding, shows three like a normal person, kind of a smartass – oh! – and right-handed! What’s another way of saying all that?
“Right! Not Joe.
“Oh my god. You think I was looking, for something different I mean? But how? How could that be? I liked Joe, I really did. But you know, you could be right. Joe was comfortable which – like you always say, but I never used to believe you – comfort confines. I didn’t feel confined, but you know, Joe was, at about that time – I remember thinking it to myself, oh my god – kinda predictable. I knew exactly what he was going to say before he said it. I wasn’t learning anything new, and you know what else? I don’t think my son was learning anything new from him, either. And you know, looking back on it, if I have to be honest, maybe I was kinda thinking that things with Joe had you know, run their course.
“So okay, back to Steve. So he’s talking away, and I’m starting to realize, that for the first time in a long time there’s a guy who can talk to me and my son, but even when he’s talking to my son, it seems like he’s talking to an adult. Sometimes, like I said, he was even being kind of a smartass.
“Huh? Oh, they talk about the same stuff – they’re in the same industry, oh my god.
“So anyway, smartass, yeah. Joe never talks like that. Ever. He’s such a goof. A big, handsome goof. With hair.
“Oh, that’s okay, I know you like Joe, and you were so happy for us when we got together, I know you wouldn’t say anything mean. I thought a lot about that myself.
“Anyway, nothing happens. Oh, but we agree to meet again – what? Yes, but that’s not the point. The point is, nothing happened, okay?
“Well, sure, I guess if you think just agreeing with somebody about something is like something actually happening, then yeah, something happened. But I’m just saying I don’t think of it that way.
“Whatever. Nothing happened. Focus on that. So okay, next night me and my son are back with Joe, and funny thing, I don’t know if it was me or –
“No, it had nothing to do with Steve! Shut up! Just kidding! But it didn’t, okay? So anyway, funny thing, like I said: Joe was kinda acting weird.
“No, more like, I dunno, desperate. Like maybe he knew something was up, even though nothing was up. Focus! And then, it was hard to look him in the eye, because I just, well, I dunno.
“So then, out of nowhere, he starts talking about love. I know! I couldn’t believe it. It was so weird. I’m like, dude, this relationship is about a lot of things, but one thing it is definitely not about, is love. I mean really, what’s with you? To him, I was saying this, not you.
“So, of course after that little surprise things got pretty awkward. Just for me, I guess, because big, goofy Joe just kept going on like nothing happened so I’m like, What are you? Can’t you see what’s going on here? Don’t you think we should talk about it?
“What’s that? Well, no, of course I didn’t say anything, I mean geez, after all, if I actually have to say something, if I have to always tell you what’s on my mind, then I guess you just don’t care enough to figure these things out on your own, and who wants to be with someone you always have to tell what’s going on? That’s like – work! I shouldn’t have to point out when he’s being oblivious.
“Okay, good, yes, so we’re in agreement on here. Shew! Ha ha!
“Awkward. Yes. Right! Know what made it really awkward? My son asked for them both – by name oh my god! Both of them – totally oblivious. There I’d be just about dying, and meanwhile, neither one of them seemed to notice. Or care.
“So then we’re with Steve and – what? Well yeah, I mean with Joe acting all weird, I said, you know what? I’m going to Steve because you’re not meeting my needs anymore. That’s all the permission I need, right?
“Well no, I didn’t say that to Mr. Oblivious Goof.
“Anyway, yeah, back to Steve, exclusively. Well, not back really, ‘cause like I said, nothing happened. But Joe was scaring me, you know? I just didn’t need that from him, and once he said it, and after seeing Steve, I realized I kinda liked being with somebody who wasn’t talking down to me. And my son.
“Things were good, yeah, good. He’s so talented, oh my god. And at first it was cool, especially for my son, but after a while it got kinda old. We’d be just chillin’, and suddenly he’s tap dancing, or playing some song game, pretending to get it all wrong. Why would he do that? I dunno. But in time I was like, okay Mr. Center of Attention Who Needs an Adoring Audience, what happens to me when I stop adoring you?
“So after a while I’m like, you know what? This isn’t working. I just don’t feel like we’re growing, here, you know? I think even my son’s starting to notice it’s the same old thing, over and over again, the same tricks, the same games. I think he wants more.
“I know I want more.
“So, back to Joe, but you know, once that spell got broken …
“So anyway, yeah, we’re done with them both, and ready to move on but ugh! So many losers out there. Know anyone? Ha ha! That’s right – no weird costumes! And no talk of love!
“Sigh. Well, it’s time for so long. Thanks so much for helping me out today!”